It Still Hurts

It’s been a little over a week now from when we found out we weren’t pregnant anymore, and if I’m being honest, it still hurts.

Last Sunday after I published my last blog, I started getting dressed for the bridal shower.  I really wanted to go because it was for a good friend, but I also wished I didn’t have to go because I was feeling so crummy.  The invitation had said “Attire:  spring dresses (optional)” so I looked for a spring dress to put on (even though it was a cool day).  I tried on a few things, but nothing fit comfortably since my body has changed so much from my breast surgery last September (weight gain and bigger breasts).  I intend to go through my entire wardrobe after my reconstruction surgery (May 1st) and get rid of things I can’t wear anymore; I’ve already tried to clean out my closet once but with expanders (they are hard and firm and high and do not budge), it was really difficult to know what would or would not fit so I kept most of my stuff.

I finally decided to skip the spring dress and just wear pants with a nice top.  As I was putting on the outfit, I imagined myself at the bridal shower trying to smile and mingle because it was for my friend, and instead, I just broke down crying in my closet.  I couldn’t do it.  I tried to pull myself together and I just couldn’t.  I was still just always on the verge of tears, and I didn’t want to ruin someone’s shower by crying.  I called my friend and apologized to her about cancelling last-minute and gave her a brief explanation of why.  She said she understood and said we would catch up another time.  I really felt horrible not going to the shower, but it was all I could do to keep myself together.  I kept crying after I got off the phone with her, and a couple of hours later, ended up meeting a friend for a quick snack at a local tea shop.  This friend has been through all of this with me and seeing her cheered me up.  Later my husband came home from the zoo (he went to the zoo with his sister and niece because he thought I would be at the bridal shower) and I told him I ended up not going to the shower.  We hung out at home all afternoon, had dinner, and got ready to go to his Sunday softball game.  Several of the wives and girlfriends usually go every Sunday and cheer the men on.  I started feeling really anxious while getting dressed and my husband could tell.  I wanted to watch the game to distract myself and snap myself out of it, but at the same time, I wasn’t ready to see and talk to people even though the other women already knew about the whole surrogacy process.  He asked me if I wanted to stay home and I told him I was conflicted.  Then I said it might be hard for me to act normally around others right now and that I was afraid I would start crying.  I ended up staying at home that night too.

Monday we left to drive to Vegas (for my husband’s work), stopped by the outlets, and watched a show in the evening.  We saw the Jabbawockeez at Monte Carlo; they were highly entertaining and incorporated awesome dancing, great music, humor, audience participation, and a whole lot of creativity.  The next day I stayed in the hotel room while my husband worked.  Aside from walking my dog and getting breakfast, I mostly read the entire time.  I really didn’t have a desire to go anywhere in my state and I’ve been to Vegas many times already.  In fact, the smoke in the hotels and casinos gave me a huge headache every time I passed through the lobby to walk my dog (the casinos and smoke and loud noises really scared him).  The headaches would last about three hours, and even in the room, I felt as if I was still breathing smoke (I have asthma).  When my husband finished with work in the evening, we went to the buffet at the Bellagio.  Both feeling stuffed and sick from the salt of too many snow crab legs (I hate it when buffets do that), we drove back to our hotel to relax.  It was around 8 pm.  Originally we planned on driving back the next day, Wednesday afternoon, but one of us (I think it was me) jokingly said, “why don’t we just drive home now?  We’d be home by midnight!”  My husband caught on and neither of us really wanted to stay another night, and I also mentioned how nice it would be for us to sleep in our own bed that night.   So as he showered I packed, then we checked out of the hotel (it wasn’t a great hotel because we needed a dog-friendly hotel), filled our car with gas and was on the freeway driving home by 9 pm.  We arrived home at 12:30 am (not bad), I showered, and we went to sleep.  I hadn’t wanted to go to Vegas anymore after hearing about the un-pregnancy news, but it did serve as a distraction; it would have been worse if my husband was gone and I was just sulking in my bed at home.

We both felt under the weather on Wednesday, and I felt sluggish and feverish without a fever on Thursday and Friday.  I had a pounding headache, swollen lymph nodes, a partial sore throat, felt aches all over my body, and couldn’t stop my hands from shaking.  Maybe it was my body detoxifying from the smoke of Las Vegas.  I might also have felt so much worse this time in Vegas because my body was already going through so much.  The only good thing is that my sciatica is diminishing (those stretches really helped) even though my lower back hurt yesterday.  I finally felt a little bit better last night.

The good thing about us coming home early was that we were able to move our fertility doctor appointment up from next week.  We met with him on Thursday, at 3:30 pm.  He reviewed our case and asked us if we had any questions.  My husband asked if any part of the failure of the pregnancy was due to our surrogate, and the doctor said the surrogate was perfect.  Everything happened the way it should have: she got pregnant, but unfortunately the pregnancy didn’t go as planned.  He said the surrogate was actually devastated for us when she heard the news, bless her soul.  The doctor informed us that miscarriages happen in 20-30% of normal pregnancies and that we can only hope I produce another plentiful batch of eggs and that we end of up with more implantable embryos, maybe 5 or 6.  I asked if the percentage of chromosomal abnormalities we had (70% of 10 embryos) was normal, and he said that because I wasn’t in any of the 4 high-risk groups (I don’t remember what they are), I should have had closer to 50% normal embryos.  My husband asked if there was anything about his sperm that contributed to the chromosomal abnormalities, and the doctor went over his report.  He was perfectly fine.  Because we’re using a surrogate, we can only use frozen sperms.  That meant it was my eggs and chromosomes that were contributing to the chromosomal abnormalities.  😦  Because of this, PGD is even more important for us.  The doctor said we should expect approximately the same results of implantable embryos the next round of IVF, but hopefully we will have more eggs that fertilize so they will be able to biopsy more than 10 embryos, and that we will have more than 2 implantable embryos.  He asked us when we’d like to start the next cycle (I guess some couples want to wait a few months), and I told him as soon as possible after my breast surgery.  I’m to contact the nurse after my breast surgery so she can set up a calendar for the next cycle.  The doctor asked us if there was anything else we needed to ask or discuss.  We said, “no,” but I said, “only that I wish I could start it again right now!”  The doctor looked over at my husband and said, “you’ve got yourself a wild one!”

On our way out we stopped by the financial lady’s office to go over costs for the next cycle.  She asked me how I was feeling, and I said “okay.”  She said “really?”  I replied, “well, not entirely okay, but much better.”  We have a lifetime coverage of $15K for infertility benefits, but that did not include the surrogate’s medication or procedures.  I used about $5K of medication last time and our PGD cost was about $9K.  This is not including the medical costs.   Needless to say, our $15K is readily being gobbled up, and since we didn’t have any leftover embryos, we’re having to do the entire procedure all over again.  Our first round of IVF cost $22K (including insurance).  Our out-of-pocket for this second cycle will be approximately $20K; having leftover embryos would have greatly helped with the cost.  We left the office very stressed out, especially my husband, regarding the costs.  At the end of all this, we will paying approximately $100K for the entire surrogacy process if the embryos had successfully implanted the first time.  Now it’ll be an additional $20-25K with each subsequent IVF cycle (special surrogate circumstance).  This is definitely stressful, without even considering what I’ll be putting my body through again.  My husband was bewildered how one cycle of IVF could wipe out so much money and contemplated the number of cycles we should do.  We had talked about doing this next cycle and possibly one in August if this one doesn’t work out.  He wondered if there was even a point trying after that.  Hearing him say that scared me.  We’ve been through so much, we’ve come so far, giving up wasn’t really an option for me, at least not yet.  But I saw his point; there had to be a limit.  We didn’t say much the next couple hours (I was giving him space b/c that’s what he needs when he’s stressed out) and then he got ready to go to softball practice and 2 games (he was subbing).  I thought it would be good for his stress release.

Finally alone, I let myself cry.  I felt really crappy about everything.  I felt crappy that the first round of IVF didn’t work, I felt bad my husband was so stressed out, I felt bad that my body produced so many chromosomal abnormal embryos, and I was still grieving the embryos.  I texted my friend.  She told me to cry it out, to just let it all out.  I tried to, but my dog got scared and jumped off the bed.  He jumped off twice more and I felt bad for him, so I quit feeling sorry for myself.  I texted my friend that I was done crying, and in fact, I had just emailed the nurse case-carrier to update her of our tentative plans.  I also texted our surrogate to give her an update and asked how she was feeling.  She texted “That’s awesome!  I actually feel great.  🙂  I’m happy and thinking positive…”  She’s so great.  I have a feeling we’re being strong for each other.

When my husband called me driving from one game to the next, I proposed something to him.  I told him that I understood why he was so stressed, but I didn’t want to give up too early.  We were still young and I figured if I worked during the year, it would pay for two IVF cycles.  I asked him if it would be okay for us to go through two more cycles this summer if need be, and then we could hold off until next summer when I’ve made enough money for two additional IVF cycles.  I told him I didn’t want to give up.  Plus, I will be working full-time this fall which is difficult enough as it is with narcolepsy and prescribed stimulants, so I can’t even imagine having to go into the clinic at 6:30 am almost every other day to make it to work on time; I’d practically have to be on bed rest for 2 1/2 weeks anyway from all the back pain.  My husband sounded more hopeful and on board which made me feel better.  I figured it wouldn’t do any good to have both of us down, which meant I had to lift the both of us.  See, that’s why I’m a high functioning optimistic-positive-depressed person.

I think my own limit might be trying two more summers after this one.  I will be 36 by then.  After that, I would be really discouraged emotionally.  Physically, I’m not quite sure how long I can handle my uterus staying inside of me causing me to have UTI feelings every single day.  I’ve finally stopped spotting, but I’m still having a yellowish-brownish discharge.

Right now my Xyrem is doing weird things to me physically because my body is still adjusting to the increased doses, but I have no choice if I really want to see if it’ll help me.  I need to be patient with that.  I have four doctor’s appointments next week, my breast reconstruction surgery May 1st, two weeks of recovery, and the second IVF cycle the third or fourth week of May at which time I’ll have to get off Xyrem again.  I’m a bit overwhelmed, but I’m  functioning.  I’m functioning because I have to.

We have a get-together tonight at our house with some of my husband’s friends, but I’m still really hurting.  I don’t want to be anti-social but I also am not in the mood to be a host.  I think I’ll let my husband do the hosting tonight.